It's nothing new but I do realize once again that I am constantly and will always be a role model to my siblings as the big sister in my family.

So what are my roles again?

Right.

I am my parents' daughter and also my siblings' big sister. I need to respect my parents because they are my parents. I need to listen to my parents because they are my parents. I need to take care of my parents because they are my parents. I need to be a good role model to my siblings because after my parents, I'm the oldest. I need to be there for my siblings, well because I'm the oldest.

I just need to reaffirm that again at 1.12am while I do some self-reflecting. It's quite depressing to know that lately, I've never played those roles that well.

For those who knew, I had a really bad fight with my parents. It was probably one of the worst fights in history and it made me unhappy for a really, really long time. But this post is not about that fight. Rather, it's about my brother.

My bro has a really bad temper. Puberty or not, he flares up and gets pretty defensive. Tonight was probably the last straw for her so she told me to talk to him. Honestly, talking to teenagers is never easy because they think they're always right (Case in point: me - been there, done that). So when I talked to my bro, I can already tell that it was not being registered or processed at all. But still when I finally asked him why he needs to shout back at my mom, he simply said: "because you do it too". See?! Total fail at being a role model to my siblings. Now, I can't help but blame myself for not being able to show him what is respect to parents because I didn't do it myself. How to be role model like that???

Looking back also, I wasn't really that much of a big sister to him. For a very long time, my bro has been living at our grandma's house. I didn't realize until recently that sometimes, I don't even see him for months! While my parents were busy with work, I was not there physically to be play big sister. My bro is like a stranger and I feel really lousy now knowing that I could have done a better job as a big sister.

All I want now is to be there for him.